CAUTION: Dirty words ahead.
The following was posted to Buzz, but since nobody goes there, I thought I’d post it to my blog so I could cover all the places nobody goes…
My Open Buzz Post to the Makers of Google Buzz:
Do NOT activate the “Post” button until the post reaches 141 characters AND disable the option to link Twitter to Buzz, serious, it’s fucking stupid to read tweets here. And when I respond to these phantom tweets, nobody ever responds back. I blame you, not my non-engaging, yet somewhat witty replies.
Realize that Facebook bought FriendFeed before you because they understand social on the same level that you understand fancy math (and free email). Accept who you are, the owner of all of our information, not the social hub of all our dreams. You’re a phone book, not the little black book. Deal with it.
Go back to Wave and make that shit work better. You had a kid, she didn’t live up to your expectations, so you had another one. But let’s be honest, if you spent more time with Waverly, she could grow up to be awesome. NEVER give up on a kid, it’s a douche move and you’ll pay for it someday.
STOP taking the path to become the next Microsoft. I loved you, man. But you got way too big, your head got clouded with world domination plans and wicked cool car collections. Your own employees smelled this shit cooking and suggested you adopt the “don’t be evil” motto at a meeting. They never wanted you to exploit the user, yet here I find Buzz stuck in my gmail. When Honda invented that lame ass robot, they didn’t stop by the house and sneak one into my wife’s Odyssey. I’m half expecting the final episode of LOST to end with a shot of the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 chilling at a BBQ at the Googleplex, pointing and laughing at the screen with a slow wash out and a big GOOGLE appearing. STOP fucking with your faithful fans, or the show will lose viewers and end sooner than you expected. How does the Google story end? Hopefully with more fans than enemies, but that’s up to you. Remember ALL stories come to an end, nothing lasts forever. How will you be remembered?
We can still be friends. I’d still like to borrow your crescent wrench when I can’t find mine, lend me 2 cups of sugar when my pantry runs dry, have you check my mail when I’m out of town (forwarding it via gmail would be sweet). But coming over to the house for Thanksgiving, fuck no. I don’t like you like that… anymore. You had me at hello, but lost me with an awkward wave. AND while I can’t quit you, I can be more selective how I use you. Buzz, I hardly knew you or your sister, your parents are good people, just a little misguided at times. I wish you both luck and hope to watch you grow.
Remember, “don’t be evil” isn’t a slogan, it’s a fear of what your own employees saw as an inevitable future for any large corporation attempting to hoard all of the world’s riches. I’ve developed a new motto for you to write on your whiteboards “don’t attempt to be something you are not.”
PS – I’d pay to have a painless YouTube upload experience, make that shit happen, and all is forgiven.
^^^^^^^^^^
Huh. You should tell them how you REALLY feel. Gotta love the idea of disabling twitter at 141 characters. Then again, I’d just appreciate it if those stupid things were pulled into the buzz in a semi-timely manner. Like, something faster than 6 hrs later.
I agree, my “what I’m eating for lunch” tweets make no sense at dinner time.
Hell, the “what I’m eating for lunch” tweets make no sense anytime…
Well, they make sense, but I still don’t care.
Your ability to place a swear word in the exact right spot is All-State material.
I’m gonna defend Google for a moment by unfairly comparing them to Apple.
When Apple launches a new product it’s often considered a piece of artwork. Apple won’t release something unless it is the final edition. As a consumer and fanboy of Apple, I’ve come to expect that from every company. Enter Google…
Goolge Labs is rightly named, not because it’s outcome is sushi, but because it produces sloppy joes. Google pumps out lots of little kids and lets the community decide which ones will grow up (Google Earth) and which ones are left behind in the supermarket. Your reaction to the Buzz might not need to be a reflection on the whole company.
I bet Google will pump out 4 new kids this year (some very ugly), but Apple will just release its iTampon and update it’s other products.
Fair enough, Tom. But Google isn’t treating this like your regular Labs feature. This thing is fully embedded into your GMail experience, not a radio button you can click in the Labs control panel. Seems to me that Google isn’t treating this like one of the little kids that can fight it out with the others on the playground.
To keep the dysfunctional family analogy alive a bit longer, maybe Google adopted this kid when it was an awkward teenager, but didn’t consult the rest of the family to make sure it was ok.
I agree with Eric. Gmail users were force-fed Buzz. If it tasted great, my reaction would be positive. Unfortunately for Google, Buzz is swimming in FAIL sauce.
Mr. and Mrs. Google can have as many kids as they want. But dropping their newborn off at my house on a Friday night is just plain bullshit.
I just went back and read this again. Still great stuff.
But now I have one more thing to add…
I don’t know why, but every time I read that last line, I keep seeing a request for a “pantsless youtube upload experience.” Granted, that type of comment wouldn’t surprise me from you, Todd, but it bothers me that my mind keeps going there.