Shopping makes a hunter a gatherer. Don’t claim “hunting” for a deal is legit unless you can show me a blood trail. It’s not just the mall or the grocery store, even aimlessly walking the aisles at the liquor store gets me down… have you seen the price of cheap beer lately, WTF?
FACT: There is a cure!
When I’m forced to shop I make sure I bring along at least one of my kids* and a Flip camera. There are only two rules when the camera starts capturing the action:
- DON’T BREAK SHIT
- HAVE FUN
Acting a fool is OK, as long as it doesn’t upset (or injure) other shoppers. Pissing off store employees is frowned upon, unless they shoot several dirty looks your direction without asking you to stop – basically they are asking for more. Window shopping isn’t allowed, if you’re shooting on location you must buy something. Karma.
Example 1: If you can’t hula hoop, you must show the entire store how uncoordinated a human can be with a brief display of your misspelled poetry in motion. If you don’t LOL at my son hula hooping, you should reevaluate life. And please note: you should never buy a hula hoop without properly “kicking the tires” – unbalanced hula hoops are destined for collecting dust in the garage.
Example 2: We spend more money at the grocery store in a month than we do on our mortgage. To me, it’s our playground. If I want to juggle fruit in the meat department, the only thing holding me back is my inability to juggle.
Example 3: If you are forced to shop on Super Bowl Sunday, make sure you have a good time. Challenge yourself to create a commercial, give more purpose to your shopping list than “two huge bags of Eukanuba” could ever provide.
When life hands you lemons, head to the meat department and attempt to do the impossible.
*Don’t have kids? Take your dog** to Petsmart, nothing is funnier than a dog dropping a deuce in the cat department. Cat people*** are easy targets, they favor tiny poops that can be easily covered with dust and rocks. A large breed dog works best for this assignment.
**Don’t have a dog? Pay one of my kids to go to Petsmart with you. Not as serious, but the visual in my mind produced a chuckle.
***I love cat people, just trying to be funny.